A Mother's Tale

Raising children is not for the faint of heart. Very much like marriage, we do not openly talk about the adversities of parenting. With my three children, ages 18, 12 and 8 years old, with whom I have been blessed, I have experienced some pride filled joyous moments, and notably, there have been some overwhelming lows.

To begin, I had no idea that my three children would turn out so differently from each other. You might be thinking, that makes no sense, because the core of being human is that we are all unique. This simple fact eluded me when it came to parenting. My eldest daughter has always been a focussed and calm child who seemed to do many things effortlessly. When I became pregnant with my son, I was not scared. In fact, I was confident and felt that I was prepared. I had created a template with my daughter and I just needed to follow the established modus operandi, or so I thought.

My son ran, not walked, at 10 months old. Fast forward two years to pre-school; when the daily pick up reports from his daycare were not filled with accounts of his actions that were cause for celebration. I realized then, that this child was not going to conform to any pre-conceived notions of who I thought he was going to be, based on how my eldest child turned out. I needed a new strategy, and I needed it fast. After much reflection, I have come to understand that parenting is not something one can be fully prepared for.

Children can make you doubt who you are and what you are capable of doing. I consider myself fairly competent at most things that I decide to take on. I set realistic goals for myself and work hard to achieve them. Parenting, however, has caused me to doubt my abilities to accomplish basic daily tasks. I have left my house in my bed slippers and almost got into the elevator in pyjama bottoms. I have unknowingly driven off with my 14-month-old unbuckled in his car seat, only to see him bounce out of the car seat and onto the floor when I went over the speed bump in my building's parking lot. Don’t judge me.

I have been reduced to tears while praying earnestly as I navigated through traffic on my way to work. On many occasions, I have only been able to start my work day after I have poured out my frustrations, doubts, and fears over the phone to my own mother. There have been times when I felt horribly alone as I thought I was failing miserably as a parent.

I remember vividly the day my husband picked up our eldest daughter at the age of 4 and walked out of Walmart with her over his shoulder kicking and screaming for a foil balloon that she did not get. This was a humbling experience for me. On that day, I ceased to judge parents whose children threw tantrums in public. Before this situation occurred, I would not have believed anyone who would have tried to tell us that it could happen to us. It was years later that I accepted and believed that her actions had nothing to do with the type of parent I was, and it gave me cause to pause.

We often keep a lot of the shame and guilt that we feel from our children’s behaviours to ourselves. As a result, we often feel very alone. The tantrums they threw, the lies they told, the words they used, and the hosts of all the other things they may have done. I am not suggesting that we broadcast the intimate details of our children’s lives to all who will listen. However, I have realized that when I have shared honestly and openly about some of my experiences, it has opened the door for amazing bonds to be formed and additional access to support systems. Yet, we still do not easily talk about the mistakes we make and the multiplicity of feelings we experience while raising children. 

I have discovered that parenting is remarkably difficult yet immensely satisfying. For all the valleys in the child rearing journey, I can tell you that there are innumerable peaks.

My children gave me the motivation to renew my faith and begin a restoration of a spiritual connection that was missing in my life for many years. They made me want to do better at everything, and to be a better person overall.  I had to ensure that I modelled a life and a belief system that I was trying to teach them. This meant that I had to put my actions where my mouth was. If you did not know, children will hold you accountable because they are unabashedly very honest and are unafraid to call you out.

The fact is, that no matter how much I believe that I am the one teaching my children how to navigate through life, they are also teaching me invaluable lessons and forcing me to grow. I have learnt how to persevere and not give up on achieving my goals just because I am a parent. I had a four-year-old and I was 9 months pregnant when I handed in my final paper for my post graduate studies. I gave birth two days later. I honed my problem solving, analytical, planning, and execution skills while child rearing. Managing a household of five is no easy feat, and the ability to decipher fact from fiction is a very necessary skill.

I learnt how to have fun, let go of inhibitions, and face fears. I knew that if I wanted to inspire my children, I had to set the example for them. I know how to shoot layups and do Tik Toks, and if the name they gave me for my Tik Tok account (@that.cool.mom.t) says anything about what they think of me, I guess I am cool. The point is, no matter how many times I thought that I was failing miserably as a parent, there have been more times that I have been convinced that I am doing a good job.  I know that I am doing my best, and my best is good enough.

My children have taught me how to love unconditionally and what sacrifice means. I have learnt humility when I have had to apologize to them and I have undoubtedly learnt how to pray because of them. My patience continues to be a work in progress.

Raising children helped me to discover myself and to love who I am. I used to say that my children were the most interesting things about me, but I now unapologetically know that I am not just Paige's mom (as I am known to many at church) but I am Tamara and I am multi-dimensional.  When we wrap our entire identity in our children or other familial relationships, we neglect the wonderful parts of who we are without these extensions. I encourage parents to discover who they are outside of their children, because as many parents come to realize, children do grow up and some of them even leave.

Each of my children recently told me that they want to have kids when they grow up. I suppose this means that up until now, my husband and I have not totally ruined their childhood and that they recognize how special the child rearing journey can be. I am definitely claiming their proclamation as another major parenting accomplishment.

~Tam~