Make Room

On October 24, 2017, my life changed. There I was sitting in my car at a red traffic light when I heard a loud bang and felt myself jolt forward simultaneously. I looked around to identify where the sound came from and through my rear-view mirror, I saw a heavy- duty truck that was basically in the back seat of my minivan. The back windows of my vehicle were shattered and the body twisted. I never saw, or heard, anything coming when I got hit. The truck, which was pulling a trailer of work equipment and tools, and driven by an apparent distracted young man, crashed into my vehicle without braking. The young man told me he had not seen the red light nor that I had stopped in front of him.

The resulting effects of the accident were even more devastating than I initially thought. While I was able to walk away from it, my injuries - physically, mentally and emotionally - disabled me for many subsequent months. It has been two and a half years since the accident and I still have residual effects of the injury, which I am told will never go away. Following the accident, I was not able to work for many months. Doing basic daily life tasks like combing my hair, proved impossible months into my recovery.  I could not do my house chores or take care of my family as I used to. At that time, I resorted to doing something that I was never particularly good at, even though it was quite simple … I had to ask for help. Being the care giver to everyone around me made it difficult to ask for help as I was usually the one helping someone in need.

During my time of recovery, admitting that I needed help and then actually utilizing the support were two major hurdles I overcame. I was heartened at how quickly everyone was willing to help as soon as I asked. I realized that in the past my pride was a barrier in asking for and obtaining the assistance I desperately needed. My thought was that I did not want to burden others with my responsibilities or problems. What I did not know then, was how easily assistance would be extended to me as long I was willing to ask. The load became so much lighter.

To assess my therapy needs, I was asked to outline what a typical day and week was like before my accident. After recounting all I did, I was asked what I did to relax or have fun. I mentioned the activities that I liked to do but I never had time for. This was another eye-opening moment as it became very clear as to how much I was doing for everyone else in my life, sometimes at the expense of my own well-being.

Amid the physical therapy, I was forced to acknowledge and address the mental and emotional issues I was experiencing. I was depressed because of my inability to function the way I previously did.  Prior to the accident, I was a very busy woman occupied with work projects, church commitments, housework, my children's school work and their extra-curricular activities. During these busy times, the hours in the day flew by. Downtime for me was getting ready for bed.  

It became clear to me that I needed to find time to refuel. I would be of no use to anyone around me if I did not start paying attention to my needs. What began as a dedicated two hours on Sundays which I called "T Time", became purpose filled time on other days.  I was able to pray more, praise and worship more, read and listen to music more, and actually made it a priority to book and attend weekly self-care appointments. My massage therapist and nail technician became some of my best friends.  I actually scheduled the time to laugh with my friends while we all watched our favourite show on a Sunday. I had to become deliberate about taking time to refill my tank to be able to serve others in my life.  I compartmentalized different aspects of my life, figured out what would make me physically, emotionally, spiritually and mentally well and then just did it.

To be totally transparent, I must admit that while I was doing everything lovingly for everyone around me, I had silently harbored resentment because there was never enough time for myself. In time, the love underlying what I did for everyone slowly eroded. Things were done out of obligation and I did not feel much joy. I had not believed that it was okay to make myself a priority which was not a healthy place for me to be in.

Finding space in my life meant that I needed to find new balance for everything. My spouse, children, church and work were all still very present.  However, I had to constantly remind myself that in order to change my life experience, feel happy, and be fulfilled, I needed to change my thoughts and actions. I was compelled to first love myself and not feel guilty about prioritizing myself in this new normal I was building. It took time and a new mindset for everyone around me to understand that I would love and appreciate them more when I was feeling much better about myself.  

Remember that tomorrow is not promised to anyone, treat yourself well today. Make it a priority to refresh your mind, body and spirit. Do what you love. Channel the respect and love you give to everyone around you into your own mind and body. I had not even thought about it until a friend recently reminded me of Mark 12:31 which states "Love your neighbour as yourself.." The love and respect that we give to everyone else, we have been reminded that we must show that to ourselves.  Make room for yourself in your life. 

~ Tam ~