Beauty for Ashes

What are your Ashes made of?

My ashes consist of failed relationships mixed with pain from the grief of passed loved ones. I have ashes from not knowing why I lost relationships with friends and family members. And even more ashes because of the multiple and complex feelings that resulted from significant life events. Included in these ashes is disappointment about things I wanted to do and expected to happen but which never materialized.

I have always believed that inherently I am a good person. However, I have not always done good things. I have made many mistakes since I have been on this earth. So, as much as I have been hurt, I am sure I have caused hurt which means that my ashes also contain guilt, shame and remorse.

I can also admit, that in the past, my sense of self-worth was closely tied to many circumstances that I have gone through, and so my ashes also contain periods of uncertainty about whether I was good enough, forgiving enough, generous enough and even, if I was worthy enough to be loved. This compound mixture of my ashes lay scattered across periods of my life and has held varied spaces and places in my heart and mind.

Believing that there is a reason for our pain is a difficult concept to accept. In retrospect however, I have seen that in some of the most difficult circumstances in my life, undiscovered parts of who I am were unearthed. Parts that were strong and courageous, other parts that were creative and other parts that were fearless. These were never words that I would have ordinarily used to describe myself.

I recently listened to a speaker named Kate Bowler who spoke about a very painful situation she had experienced; her diagnosis with stage 4 cancer. In recounting her journey, Kate made a point that resonated with me and compelled me to revisit my ashes. Kate mentioned that there is a distinct contrast with life being so very beautiful, while at the same time being so very hard. She asked, “How many of us understood why such terrible and equally wonderful things could happen to us throughout our lives?”

Kate postured that even in the face of adversity we still needed to live and love without counting the reasons why we should do so. This is because ultimately nothing would be lost. The extremely difficult parts of life will definitely counter balance the good that comes out of the trials we face. She reminded us that ultimately beauty and love still exists in the darkness as it did when a light shone on it.

I have seen glimpses of who I was made to be, as well as the potential of who I can become, because of these ashes.  Compared to many, I cannot say I have had a hard life. However, I can say that I have suffered through some difficult situations. Through many of those periods when I faced trials, I could not definitively say what brought me through them, or see what was the lesson in them.

As I have become more grounded in my faith however, I have come to believe that for every situation that I have faced, it was a way for my Creator to show me the beauty of who he made me to be and the purpose that is hidden inside me.

He showed me characteristics and talents I didn’t now I had.  With full transparency, I cannot say I always believed that, even after I had accepted Christ. It certainly took a shift in my thinking.  However, now I believe He has allowed me to experience hardships, hurt and pain to be able to discover the full potential of who I can be and to show me who He is to me. He is always there. My faith allows me to be restored and healed and to turn those ashes into beautiful things.  I don’t believe that these ashes will be with me forever but will be exchanged for hope, and this hope means that I will continuously learn, change and grow as a person while discovering even more parts of me that I do not yet know.

I will leave you with two questions, the one I asked in the beginning: What are your ashes made of? And secondly, what beautiful things will you exchange your ashes for from your Creator?

~Tam~