The Warrior Inside Me

This post is dedicated to Paulette Evadney Jackson, an empress and nature lover, warrior woman, mother, sister, and friend. Your friendship, love, and spirit of determination will reside in my heart forever.

This post was a particularly difficult one for me to even begin to write. I knew I needed to revisit some of the deepest and darkest valleys that I had traversed in my life, and the journey to do so seemed really daunting. Thinking about how I came out of those valleys reminded me once again that there are hilltops, even pinnacles of mountains, in our lives to be conquered. For me, I am determinedly climbing. This journey is a continuous one and admittedly, I am excited about the new things that I continue to discover daily about myself and about the people and the things in my life.  

I cannot think of many people I know who have not been touched by grief. In fact, we probably have all lost someone or something. Whether it is a child who has lost his or her favourite security blanket or an adult who has lost a family member, a friend, or even a sentimental possession; we have all faced grief in some way.

Invaluable and priceless can be used to describe the people we care about most in our lives. After all, can you think of an amount of money that you would pay to replace a loved one? I know I wouldn’t be able to count it even if I had it. I would have paid any amount of money to save the people I loved and lost, but alas that was not an option. 

I cried uncontrollably when one of my best friends told me about her diagnosis of the same dreaded disease that had claimed the lives of two of my family members in the preceding years. I hated myself for not being able to be strong for her, to support her the way I believe she needed me, to encourage her, and to be positive. I just couldn’t. I was too deep into worrying about what her diagnosis meant, the discomfort she was in, the pain it caused me, and trying to ponder what my life would be like without her in it. She told me not to worry; yet I did, every single day until four short months later when I got the news that she had passed on. 

Every time I spoke to her during those four months, she insisted that our conversations not focus on her illness or what was likely to happen to her, but on the various things that brought us joy. We reminisced about the experiences we had together over the years. We even made plans, ones that never came to fruition, but at the time they provided us with the hope of a better time for both of us.

My friend, who had always been my protector and a bright light of what was possible through her adventurous nature, was always positive and forced me to focus on all the things that were going right in my life.   

At the time, I didn’t understand why she wouldn’t want to talk about what I needed to hear, such as how she was doing, what I could do for her, and if she wanted me to come and visit her. Even in her deepest valley, she insisted that I keep moving up the mountain and out of the dark place that I was slowly throwing myself into. She knew there was a distinct possibility that I could put myself in a place from which I may not emerge.   

Along with the principles of my friend, a small group of women with whom I had formed a prayer group, also helped change my perspective on the hard things about life. Through prayer, devotion, tears, and with honest and vulnerable conversations, they helped me tap into the positive energy, thoughts, and will inside me that slowly made the days and obstacles seem less challenging. They prayed for me when I couldn’t find the words for myself. When it came to facing a major health crisis of my own, they prayed me into peace and acceptance.

I still mourn the loss of my friend daily, but I try to honour her memory and everything she stood for by focusing on all the things that are going right and not what has gone or is going wrong. I focus on the potential and the possibilities of the unknown.  I am cautiously adventurous, only a minutia of what she was, but nevertheless a little of what she hoped I would be.

When the days seem dark, when the obstacles seem insurmountable, and when fear threatens to overcome me, I try to channel the warrior woman who I know exists inside of me. God validates me with His word that as a woman, I should face the future without fear and with joy as I stand clothed with strength and dignity (Proverbs 31:25).   

There are days when it is hard to do so, but my encouragement is that you can either find a friend, family member, or a trusted person to help remind you of the strength that lies within you. Focus on the things that are a positive part of your life. Draw on your faith. You may be surprised at the wonderful things unseen when the lens from which you are looking at the world and your circumstances have been changed.

~Tam~