Mending Fences - Part 1

 

How many gaping holes are in the fence guarding your heart and life? Inevitably, over the course of living, there are people who have smashed through that fence, leaving areas of it in pieces, in the wake of their involvement in your life.

I’ve stood speechless and heartbroken looking at those holes, shattered, as a result of lies, jealousy, unchecked speeches, and just plain ‘bad mindedness’ (as my fellow Jamaicans would say).

I can hold a grudge. I have held many over the years.  Some I’ve held because of those very instances where people plummeted through the fence that guards my heart, while others, I don’t even remember the root cause. Yet, even after coming to the realization that I could no longer remember why I was upset with someone, I still felt the need to not talk to the person. Silly isn’t it?

The fallible beings that we are have a natural tendency to judge, even when we can glimpse parts of us in the story of others.  Again, today I am saying, don’t judge me. My beloved fellow Jamaicans would say, “ tek di matta outta yuh y’eye before yuh tek it outta smaddy else own”,  meaning, look at yourself and what your faults are first, before you look at someone else’s.  So I am asking the question, what grudges are you currently holding?

People hurt people, that’s just a plain fact, and some things just seem unforgiveable. I mentioned in an earlier blog that I have undoubtedly hurt people in my life, and many have hurt me. However, I am at a point in my life where I have to examine what I will continue to do with the pain that I am feeling and what I will do with the pain that I have caused others. Will I let it continuously permeate every aspect of my being? Take up space in my heart and in my mind?

Being hurt is exhausting and healing definitely takes time. I have come to realize that holding onto grudges and the hurt that may have been caused to you is like eating a scotch bonnet pepper while looking someone in the eye and expecting them to feel the burn.  Are they feeling it?

How much energy does it take out of you to look at and mourn that gaping hole in the fence of your heart? Why not put that energy into mending it?

While we cannot control people and the things they choose to do, we can control our reactions to the things that are done to us.

A friend I once confided in felt it necessary to tell a mutual acquaintance that she did not know why I was wasting my time with my then fiancé, now husband. She felt he was not a suitable prospect of a husband for me, because he had a child. I cannot explain the betrayal I felt at the time. She was the only friend I had found about a year after I had moved to Canada, and by the time of that incident, we were friends for about 3 years. As God would have it, we were on the verge of being separated physically from the same workplace setting, and combined with the feelings of hurt and betrayal, the relationship waned into non-correspondence and non-existence.

I still mourned the loss of that friendship, and over the years I continued to feel betrayed and angry when I thought about her. I could not understand why she had been so unkind with her thoughts and careless with her words. I never reached out to try to find her, though I knew I easily could. 

I ran into this person years later, after being married to my husband for about 12 years and our family by that time now consisted of 3 children. We had by that time built ourselves up from scratch to higher levels of achievements, personally and professionally. This same former friend clapped and hugged me with glee as I reported to her all that had transpired over the years with me and my growing family. 

I wonder if she remembered what had caused us to part ways? Was she truly happy for me? I guess only she will know, but I had let it go. I was truly happy for her and all her accomplishments as well.

That experience reshaped how I approached people coming into my life as friends and kept me from really being vulnerable with others for a few years. The pain of that experience allowed me to learn some valuable lessons. Ones which I applied when beginning new and later found friendships.

I had resolved over the years however, that the space in my heart that was held with all those feelings of betrayal and anger was valuable. I could not continue to give to someone who was not actively involved in my life or contributing to it in a positive way that much prime real estate in my heart.  I gave that space to other more meaningful relationships that I needed to form since that time. I had to mend that part of my fence to protect the wonderful things that had entered my life and were blossoming.

I am not sure who out there ‘still hold me up inna dem heart’ (is still holding a grudge toward me) for what I may have done to them, but I can say, for anyone who is willing to mend a fence with me, I will pick up the pieces and mend it with you. For those who have hurt me and have not found the strength to apologize, I forgive you…now let’s move on.

Life is too short and too good, to miss the moments that matter with the people who currently love and appreciate you.

~ Tam ~